Quotations

"Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body." ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca

"Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic." ~Anonymous

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." ~Ivy Baker Priest

"Patience may be a virtue, but there is medication that helps with patience, I think it is safe to say that Patience=Xanax." ~Bryan 'Schizodj' Hoskins

"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." ~Erma Bombeck ~

"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one." ~Dr. Seuss

"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy." ~Lord John Whorfin

"If I was a woodcutter, I'd cut. If I was a fire, I'd burn. But I'm a heart and I love. That's the only thing I can do." ~Jesus (from The Passion of Christ)

"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he punched me again." ~Jack Handey

"Life may lead you where you least expect. But, have faith you are right where you need to be." ~The wise old sled dog, Talon the great from Disney's "Snow Buddies"

“Our Lord has written the promise of the resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in spring-time.” – Martin Luther

"People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit." ~David Byrne

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ~Dr. Seuss

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~Dr. Seuss

" A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble." ~Charles H. Spurgeon

"I would be the worst mother. I'm too neurotic. If my kid yelled to me in the middle of the night, 'Mommy, I think there's a monster under my bed!' I'd be like, 'Of course there is, honey. That's why I'm not coming in there.'" ~Jen Kirkman

Husband to wife: "Hey! Does your train of thought have a caboose?"

"Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.” ~Groucho Marx

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not." ~Thomas Jefferson

"The two enemies of the people are criminals and government, so let us tie the second down with the chains of the Constitution so the second will not become the legalized version of the first." ~ Thomas Jefferson

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." ~Thomas Jefferson

"We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked." ~Anonymous

"Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything." ~Joseph Stalin

"A recent study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive in a man differs depending on the stage of her cycle. When ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features. However, when menstruating, a woman tends to be attracted to men with duct tape over their mouths & spears lodged in ...their chests while on fire."

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." ~George Gobol

"Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun."

"If you trip and fall... a friend would ask you if you were ok... but, a best friend would laugh and say 'walk much dumb ass?!'"

"Don't Take Life So Seriously. It Isn't Permanent."

"When Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?" from Whose Line Is It Anyway

"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like." ~George Carlin

"We've all got both light and dark inside us... what matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." ~Sirius Black

Church Bulletin: "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."

Church Bulletin: "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands."

"See, there's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Now, mostly dead: he's slighlty alive. All dead: well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do. ~Miracle Max

"§håkê it £ike å §nowglobe!" ~King Julien (Madagascar)

"In my world everyone is a pony and they eat rainbows and poop butterflies."

"I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'" ~Emo Philips

"BOO-YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ~Ron Stoppable

"WHERE'S the BEEF?"

“Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.” ~Anthony Robbins

The difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

"Sexy and scary, it's a fine line." ~Ellen Degeneres

"Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?" ~from "What a Girl Wants"

"Just when I think I've hit bottom, someone gives me a shovel." ~Garfield

"PEACE. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart"

"We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni. We are now the Knights who say... 'Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm.'" ~Monty Python & the Holy Grail

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.” ~David Russell

"STAY OUT of MY WAY! FORGOT MEDS TODAY!" ~Jill Byrne Murphy

"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later." ~Mitch Hedberg

"I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down." ~Mitch Hedberg

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." ~Mitch Hedberg

"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture." ~Jack Handey

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'” ~Jerry Seinfield

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." ~Somerset Maugham

“Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~Charles M. Schulz

“Wouldn't it be nice if our lives were like VCRS, and we could 'fast forward' through the crummy times? ~"Peanuts", Charles M. Schulz quote

“My aunt Marian was right, but I forgot what she said.” ~Snoopy
“Their lives had been changed forever because they had been part of something great. And greatness, no matter how brief, stays with a man.” ~
Gene Hackman, as Coach Jimmy McGinty

“My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?” ~Charles M. Schulz

“Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.” ~Charles M. Schulz

"Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!" ~Rabbit (Alice in Wonderland)

"If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer." ~Ace Ventura

"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back." ~Charlie Brown

"Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!!!" ~Anonymous

"I believe in dragons, fairies, good men and other mythical creatures!" ~Anonymous

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." ~Terry Pratchett

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist
on coming along and trying to put things in it." Terry Pratchett

"If you were flying in an airplane and the oxygen masks fall, you put yours on first and then the child's. You're no good to ANYBODY if you're dead!" ~Jill Byrne Murphy

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter, and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." ~Abraham Lincoln

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." ~Albert Pine

♥ "All that truly matters in the end is that you loved." ♥

"What other people think of you is none of your business." 8-Þ

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." ~Helen Keller

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ We want the funk, Give up the funk, ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ We need the funk, Gotta have that funk ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ Shake your groove thang ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ Shake your groove thang ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ YEAH YEAH! ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak." ~Jack Handey

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" ~ Steven Wright

"Look, it's been swell, but the swelling's gone down."

"This comet came crashing into the earth. BAM! Total devastation. No celebrities, no cable TV, *no water*! It hasn't rained in 11 years. Now, 20 people gotta squeeze into the same bathtub. So it ain't all bad." ~Tank Girl

"It was much pleasanter at home, when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rabbits." ~Alice

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop." ~the King of Wonderland

"In God we trust, others must pay cash."

"If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters." ~Unknown

“Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and just run away.” ~Ellen Degeneres

"Life is sexually transmitted."

"I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime." ~Will Rogers

"On earth peace, good will toward men." ~Linus Van Pelt

"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" ~Bob Hope

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." ~Jay Leno

"High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead." ~Christopher Morley

"If we discovered that we only had five minutes left to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone booth would be occupied by people calling other people to stammer that they loved them." ~Christopher Morley

"It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars." ~Jack Handey

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness." ~Jack Handey

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." ~Elbert Hubard

"I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet." ~Jack Handey

"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'" ~Jack Handey

"Whenever I need to get away, I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible." ~J.H.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting. ~Jack Handey

"Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too." ~Jack Handey

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." ~Philip K. Dick

"Scars remind us of where we've been; They don't have to dictate where we're going."

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." ~George Carlin

"People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird & they take Prozac to make it look normal." ~ Bangstrom

"Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it." ~ Pope John Paul II

"If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace." ~Tom Paine, 1776

"If all of your friends decided to enter a Level Four biohazard area without their environmental containment suits, would you do that too?" ~Lillith (speaking to Freddie on Frazier, "The Apparent Trap" episode)

"Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still."

"Did you know that if you're driving down the highway in a Prias and you put your hand out the window the vehicle will turn." ~Achmed the dead terrorist

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" ~George Carlin

"In Arkansas, if your 2-year-old mule runs wild and is unclaimed within 2 days, anyone may castrate the animal."

In Florida, "having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal."

In Florida, "if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle."

In Florida, "A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing."

"No person shall change clothes in his or her vehicle" in Rehoboth Beach, DE.

"You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands" in Hartford, Connecticut.

"It is illegal to mispronounce 'Arkansas' while in the state of Arkansas."

"Is this baby powder made from real or artificial babies?" ~Plankton (in search of the Crabby Patty Formula)

"An _______ is just a reflex like a sneeze." ~ Dr Ruth Westheimer

"The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year." ~Dr. House

"I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it." ~Jack Handey

♫ ♪ ♫ So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains - And we never even know we have the key ♫ ♪ ♫ The Eagles "Already Gone"

♫ ♪ We can act like we come from out of this world ...Leave the real one far behind. We can dance. We can dance! ♫ ♪

♫ ♪ We can leave your friends behind ...'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance... Well they're, no friends of mine... ♫ ♪

♫ ♪ S-sss A-aaa F-fff E-eee T-ttt Y-yyy... We can dance if we want to! ♪ ♫

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" ~Milton Berle

"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." ~Roseanne Barr

"You laugh cause I'm different, I laugh cause I just farted!"

"Of all the people, I know you're one of them!"

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." ~Steve Martin

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper." ~Jerry Seinfeld

"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!" ~Milton Jones

"A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!" ~Jay Leno

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." ~Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn: Her Life in Her Own Words)

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree." ~Roy L. Smith

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go. Because man, they're gone!" ~Jack Handey

"As I mature, I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourselves to others - they are more screwed up than you think."

"As I mature, I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." ~Emo Philips

"I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?" ~Ronnie Shakes

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." ~Robert Orben

"One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered, you start stabbing the other actors." ~Jack Handey

"If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else." ~Gordon Sinclair

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." ~Henry Youngman.

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher" ~Ambrose Bierce.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." ~Jerry Seinfeld.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." ~George Gobol

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." ~Lewis B. Smedes

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone." ~Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Memory is man's greatest friend and worst enemy." ~Gilbert Parker

"Wisest is she who knows she knows nothing."

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" ~Stuart Smalley

Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed. ~G. K. Chesterton

"SUCCESS Find the biggest ass and kiss it."

"The difference between try and triumph is a little 'umph'."

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." ~C.S. Lewis

"the mistakes of our past are the wisdom of our future"

"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led like sheep to the slaughter." ~George Washington

"Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble." ~Randy Gearheart

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not unreasonable to grieve when it comes to an end." ~Bella Swan

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." ~Bill Cosby

"The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground." ~Unknown

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ~Phyllis Diller

“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.” ~Samuel Butler

“Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.” ~Frank Lloyd Wright

“The problem with common sense is that most people are morons.”

"God gives every bird a worm, but he does not throw it into the nest". ~Swedish Proverb

"There are short-cuts to happiness, dancing is one of them." ~Bryan 'Schizodj' Hoskins

“I don't know who you are or where you've come from, but from now on you'll do as I say." ~Princess Leia

"If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example." ~George Bernard Shaw

"Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel!" ~Author Unknown

"Now that it's all over, what did you really do yesterday that's worth mentioning?" ~Coleman Cox

"You can live with dignity, we can’t die with it." ~DR. Gregory House

“I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” ~Thomas Edison