» Sometimes I'll put the ‘R’ ear bud in my left ear and the ‘L’ ear bud in my right ear because I'm a wild stallion that refuses to be broken.
» "OnStar™, this is Sharon, how may I help you?"
"My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole."
"Is this Jeff?"
"Yup."
"I'll call 911 again."
» The hardest part of a lesbian relationship must be deciding who gets to be the one who is always right.
» I need to stop wearing clown shoes to work because now everyone knows when I'm pooping.
» You know how when your appliance is running poorly, you smack it and then it's good again? Too bad we can't do that with people
» If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...I'd have...Oh forget it, I'll count it
later.
» Have you ever been so drunk, that you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne?
» a LYSOL commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn!!!
» If you love something, set it on fire. If it...wait, is that right? Oh shit! brb
» Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
» My superpower changes as I grow older. Currently, it is knowing how late Walgreens is open on any given night without looking it up.
» Before I leave a hotel room I write "I'm waiting" on the bathroom mirror with my finger as a post-shower surprise for the next occupant.
((((» Hi, I'm SCHIZO the DJ. As some of you know, I am a DJ/Producer; but, you may not be
aware of my early career as an actor. Some of my greatest "stages" were never recorded, but
will not soon be forgotten. For example, I played the lead role in award winning performances
such as "I Don't Feel Well, I Can't Go To School Today", "Mom, Thomas Hit Me", and my
biggest roles to date were in "I Don't Know How That Got There, It's Not Mine", "I'm Sick, I Am
Not Going To Make It Into Work Today", and "Wasn't Me". I want to take this opportunity to
thank Mom, Dad, Ex Bosses, Ex Girlfriends, Brothers, Sisters, and all of the supporting actors
and actresses that I have worked with along the way. I couldn't have done it without you. (Bryan
Hoskins)))))
» Before I leave a hotel room I write "I'm waiting" on the bathroom mirror with my finger as a post-shower surprise for the next occupant.
((((» Hi, I'm SCHIZO the DJ. As some of you know, I am a DJ/Producer; but, you may not be
aware of my early career as an actor. Some of my greatest "stages" were never recorded, but
will not soon be forgotten. For example, I played the lead role in award winning performances
such as "I Don't Feel Well, I Can't Go To School Today", "Mom, Thomas Hit Me", and my
biggest roles to date were in "I Don't Know How That Got There, It's Not Mine", "I'm Sick, I Am
Not Going To Make It Into Work Today", and "Wasn't Me". I want to take this opportunity to
thank Mom, Dad, Ex Bosses, Ex Girlfriends, Brothers, Sisters, and all of the supporting actors
and actresses that I have worked with along the way. I couldn't have done it without you. (Bryan
Hoskins)))))
» I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I'm making a questionable decision for my life.
» The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
» There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats.
» is wondering why her daughter’s diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.
» I hope the iTunes terms and conditions I just blindly agreed to don't require me to fly a kite in a leotard.
» I'm tired of waking up on the wrong side of the bed. therefore, I shall start sleeping on the floor.
» The longer I'm left unattended in the doctors office, the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar. I'm just sayin.
» I'm hoping my parents just keep forgetting to tell me about my trust fund. or a treasure map..
» My kids asks the cutest questions. Why is the sky blue? Where does rain come from? Will we ever eat again?
» Dear Family , thanks for putting the empty box of cereal back in the cabinet . Now I can have disappointment for breakfast .
» Highways need 4 lanes per side- A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
» Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.
» There should be a third button for responding to Facebook friend requests that just sends back "Lol"
» Sometimes it's just fun to walk out of a public rest room licking your fingers.
» I'd like to see MC Hammer and MC Escher collaborate. You can't touch this! It's actually far away. Trick of perspective. IT'S ESCHER TIME.
» .....I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had some brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a roadblock, but as it was a bus they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!
If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can arrange to return it.
***On a serious note...it is never ok to drink and drive and if this post offends you, you do not have to bring everyone down about it...If you can't laugh at the serious things in life then you will be miserable for the rest of your life....:)
» I got arrested in Tesco's earlier after the woman behind the till said, "Strip down facing me."
» Apparently, she was referring to my credit card...I'm spinning in my computer chair. So I'm away. Now I'm back. Away again. Back! Away..whoa bit dizzy now, going to be sick! :L HAAAA! HAAAAA!!!!! Just one of those days I guess :D
» The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some GREAT ideas!
» finally figured out what mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.
» Synonym: The word you use when you don't know how to spell the other one.
» it's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook Status updates.
» I'm not trying to be difficult, it comes naturally.
» brakes for tailgaters!
» ♥ ♡ ♥ Is breá liom tú freisin! ♥ ♡ ♥
» has decided... Ignoring stupidity is a healthy alternative to getting depressed.
» is still ignoring stupidity.
» But HEY! I still have my BIG FAT *SUPER DOOPER* CHEESY GRIN!!!! ◕ ‿ ◕
» H☮NK if you L❤VE JESUS!
» just discovered a new trick with the scroller button thingy on my mouse. Also, my keyboard and mouse quit working ...so, you really can't see these words!
» is almost making the very least of her status!
» is curious... Do people aspire to be TV evangelists and hotline psychics when they grow up?
» ¡ƃuıdlǝɥ ǝq oʇ sɯǝǝs ɯnıɥʇıl @◕‿◕@
» just got home from my appointment with my shrink... I'M CURED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAH! I wish!
» is honing her sharpshooting and mental Kung Fu skills. And, enjoying some air guitar during intermission.
» My imaginary friend has a Dodge Dart and a Green Machine in her garage.
» had hiccups earlier ...but they're gone now.
» I asked my friends what category I was in, Tom boy or Girlie girl. They said dark, twisted and demented. Ahem! I don't think that was a category! But I like it!
» has done so much with so little for such a long time that she is now capable of producing anything with nothing.
» has done so much with so little for such a long time that she is now capable of producing anything with nothing.
» Really.
» a good friend is worth pursuing... but why would a good friend be running away?
» One of those things that is not as much fun if you're alone: playing "Punch Buggy" (or "Slug Buggy" for you young whipper snappers)
» is altering the space-time continuum with her imaginary friend's green machine, Dos Equis, and Google.
» I've decided that I still agree with my 18 year old self... I don't want to grow up!
» ♥ ♡ ♥ Is breá liom tú freisin! ♥ ♡ ♥
» SMIRNOFF you've been very naughty!!....Go straight to my glass!! ;-)
» I woke up and found that the dog threw up in floor, I found it with my bare feet. The only thing he had was pizza, a Milkbone and a shot of whiskey; I'm pretty sure it was the Milkbone. (Bryan 'Schizodj' Hoskins)
» There are short-cuts to happiness, dancing is one of them. (Bryan 'Schizodj' Hoskins)
» 99% of people CAN'T lick their elbows! (Apparently, I'm part of that 99%!)
» thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it! (Melissa Wickenden Goulette)
» gets poked dozens of times each day by a certain 3 fb friends!
» is strongly opposed to Grand Theft Auto (except if Alice is driving).
» "Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk." (Bryan 'Schizodj' Hoskins)
» I found what what labor pains feel like! According to my great friend, they are like waiting in a long line at an amusement park!
» “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ~ Phyllis Diller
» (for Mother's Day) A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
» JUST SO I UNDERSTAND THIS...YOU PASS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET 12 YRS HARD LABOR. YOU PASS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT. YOU PASS THE AMERICAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET A JOB, DRIVER'S LICENSE, ALLOWANCE FOR A PLACE TO LIVE, HEALTH CARE, EDUCATION, BILLIONS OF DOLLARS SPENT SO YOU CAN READ A DOCUMENT. WE CARRY PASSPORTS IN OTHER COUNTRIES OR FACE JAIL TIME.
» just got an email that said, "If you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off." I'm waiting to see what happens!
» has "mentalculties"! (mental difficulties)
» May the mosquitoes of thousand frog infested swamps not fly up your nose. That would suck!
» It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished. Or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.
» finally shot my first turkey last night, felt pretty good to shoot my own food.... and the faces of everyone else in the frozen section of Walmart was priceless!
» ▄█▌▌█▄ █▄ ⒾⓈ (◐◡◑) ʎʞooʞ¡
» says Live like today will never end, laugh so the world can hear, and Dance like a dork in your living room.
» Helmet? Check! Rubber pants? Check! Mouth-guard? Check! Now where the hell is that short bus?!
» This is a test of the facebook emergency notification system. Had this been an actual emergency, the entire message would have been in capital letters.
» thinks it would probably be easier if the rest of you did the stuff on my “to do” list and then reported back to me.
» hates being ignored! (a.k.a. loves attention!)
» if you don't have time to do a job right, when will you have time to do it over?
» The facebook server is unable to verify your connection, so it is unable to reveal this status update. Please RESTART YOUR COMPUTER AND TRY AGAIN. If you feel you have reached this message in error, try clicking the reload current page button... but, it will most likely still be here!
» I will not be sarcastic today. I will not be sarcastic today. I will not be sarcastic today. Oh, who am I kidding. I was being sarcastic when I said that.
» ><))) º>Fishie fishie fishy fish<º))))><
» Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't spell.
» says the only reason I hold onto this extra 40 pounds is so that people stop mistaking me for a supermodel!
» wondering why people say "it's always in the last place you look" when you lose something. Course it is, you're not gonna keep looking once you've found it!!
» OK! Who has reported me to the mental home? Tell me now! My army of squirrels and ninja pixies are ready to attack. No holds barred!
» is starting a game of word association, you say a word then the next person adds a word that associates with that word and so on...
» is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
» Can you help me please? I am looking for a country by the people for the people...I have seem to have lost mine!
» Don't expect a great day; create one!
» Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
» Just a flower in a sea of shit.
» is living in a haunted house,,, things come up missing and rooms get messed up and the kids say it wasn't me, i didn't do it,, its not my fault... it's rather eerie!
» Its so cold my mailman is reading me my bills over the phone.
» a friend is there to bail you out.. but a best friend is sitting in jail with you trying to figure out how to get out!
» just finished cooking ~ at least I know all of the smoke alarms work now.
» OK am thinking I have watched enough CSI, I should know what I'm doing by now, Let the crime spree begin! BAWAAAA HA HA HA
» Nothing exciting going on in my world right now. So I thought I would just take up some extra space on the status updates for no apparent reason.
» I am not disagreeing with you ... I am just trying to point out that you are wrong.
» When it storms now, I think of vampires playing baseball in a distant field some were
» you know you are addicted to twilight when your two year old son gets into your glitter and you tell her "aw now you look like Edward!"
» ... the voices in my head keep calling me... but i keep putting them on hold !!!
» what are you talking about short attention span i do not have a short attention span my attention span is...ooh i can see my reflection in my computer screen!
» was riding a horse yesterday and fell off, almost got killed! Luckily the Walmart supervisor saw and came over to unplug it.
» has been taken hostage by her bed... Don't panic, she is in negotiations and hope to have it resolved in a few hours
» is off to bed before I wake up with a keyboard imprint on my face.
» If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
» Once we had Bush, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope...
» I haven't done anything world changing in a year - can I have a Nobel Peace Prize, too?
» I can't go to work today... The voices told me to stay home and... clean the guns.
» is (despite her best attempts) turning into her mother.
» If you ever get mauled by bears, don't let them eat your face because I think you're cute.
» So when filling out a job interview form, is it legit to include your farming on Farmville...? (Thanks Nick!)
» thinks we are all entitled to our opinions; and in my opinion - you're not entitled to an opinion.
» just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!
» No matter what we have in life remember nobody makes it out alive!
» is slowly going crazy ...wait maybe i am slowly going sane. Hmmm, if I am already crazy then I am slowly going sane... yeah that's it!
» says "when I listen to my Rice Krispies in reverse, I can hear the DEVIL telling me to steal the Lucky's charms".
» all i hear is mom mom mom mom ... I am going to change my name. Shhhhhhhh don't tell the kids!
» a boy gave a girl a dozen roses. 11 real and 1 fake. In the roses there was a note that stated...I will love you until the last one dies. ♥
» is Smiling ... the second best thing I can do with my lips.
» is sweet innocent, and pure! ...Na didn't fool me either. lol
» is going to bed now and hoping the little elves will come in the night and do the housework!!
» Life is about balance. Work, family, work, family, work, family.. if I clean house then that throws off the balance.
» about 20% of Americans admit to some type of mental illness the other 80 percent are in denial.
» wonders ...is it multitasking or ADHD?
» once had an imaginary friend, but we got in a fight and she ran away and I haven't seen her since.
» may be scizophrenic, but at least I'm not
» bow chicka wow wow
» next time you go to the ATM, scream "I won! I won! 3rd time this week!" after the money comes out.
» says:Handling Teenagers is as easy as nailing jelly to a ceiling.
» Here is a joke for all the mind readers out there...
» says "the world is full of idiots, and they all have a driver's license"
» I know that some things are better left unsaid...but you can bet your butt I'm probably going to say them anyway!
» the easiest thing I did all day was thought of someplace else I'd rather be!!!
» feels like getting some work done... so she is sitting down until the feeling passes.
» says, "You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror."
» is starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD, & if anyone feels the urge to tidy up, by all means go ahead.
» My "give a damn" is broken today. But fortunately, my "go screw yourself" is still working.
» Why is it when something stinks everyone wants you to smell it?
» "i'm somewhat of a bullshitter myself, but occassionally i like to listen to an expert, so please, carry on...."
» Men shouldn't let their brains wander......they are too small to be allowed out on their own!!!
» nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
» sometimes wishes she was schizophrenic instead of bipolar, then she'd have someone to talk to.
» has a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.
» is bored, tell me a secret below. I won't tell anyone, I promise.
» says, "God created liquor to keep the Irish from conquering the world."
» "BREAKING NEWS" 14 Irish women arrested outside CURRY'S !!! They didn't realize a 42 inch murphy was a color television .........
» Life's too short not to be Irish!
» Paddy fell down a hole and mick shouted "paddy, have you broke anything" she said "no, there's nothing down here!!"
» is as bored as a dwarf at a theme park.
» thinks that whoever coined the phrase "A kiss is just a kiss" obviously never had one of mine!
» is running around with a pillow case on her head pretending 2 b a flying nun
» bets living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween
» is wanting to drown her troubles...but she can't talk her man in to going for a swim!
» Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit
» was created by her imaginary friend.
» is looking for something..if you think you have it comment below.
» is not easily distracted, just points out the most random-est things when you're half way through a sentence! :)
» Whats the definition of cheeky? Throwing a brick through some body's window then knocking on the door to ask for it back =]
» thinks reality is overrated, so is going to stay in her own little world. It's much more exciting in here!
» Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving
» Why did God create man before woman? .... Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece
» has seen it all, done it all, & can't remember most of it
» hates when old relatives says ''your next'' at weddings, its okay tho, i get them bk by saying ''your next'' at funerals.
» is going to sleep until I wake up. (Thanks Mindi!)
» Yes, in the South, it is totally appropriate to call friends/family/kids/animals/strangers by "pet names" such as Dumplin, Punkin, SweetPea, Darlin, Honeybear, Babycakes, etc. etc. I'm totes an official PRO at this. I just cant help it. Its part of my Southern gentile womanhood. Now back off, 'fore I shoot ya with my rifle. (Thanks Red!)
» WARNING!!! Facebook is "now friends with TOM". :)
» lost her way on the yellow brick road when the white rabbit offered her a choice between red and blue pill.
» Not only do i trip down the stairs i also trip up them; NOW THAT TAKES TALENT!!
» A man and a woman had been married for some time. As with most couples, they had had a couple of kids. Both kids were bright, intelligent, good looking, easy going, etc... So the couple decided to have number three. Shortly after birth the couple began to notice that there were some basic differences between this child and the first two, particularly it's appearance. The kid was just plain ugly. The man finally asked the woman "What happened here?". The woman replied that this time the kid was his.
» used to wonder why Wendy's hamburgers are square. But not anymore...
» selling 2012 insurance. If you die, I'll give you your money back!
» Today's the day I'm unwrapping as if it were a precious gift!
» ❅ ❅ ❅ I like snowflakes but not snow. ❅ ❅ ❅
» If your gonna be 4 hours late, at least have the decency to be in an accident!
» says when life hands you lemons stick 'em in your bra to make your BOOBS look BIGGER!!!
» now taking reservations for Area 57 Tour! Leave your name below if you'd interested.
» is having herself committed next Wednesday.
» Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
» I do NOT appreciate Murphy's Law!
» FLAME ON!!!
» Pog Mo Thón!
» I HATE LOVE STORIES! (they make me jealous) :P
» Definitely been one of "those" days! Thank God spell checker is workin'!
» Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
» I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
» Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
»˙ǝʌıɟ ǝɯ ʇǝƃ uɐɔ ǝɥ sʞuıɥʇ ɹǝʎʍɐן ʎɯ ʇnq 'ʞɔnן pɐq sɹɐǝʎ uǝʌǝs ʇoƃ puɐ ɹoɹɹıɯ ɐ pǝʇsnq ı
» While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
» MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
» Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
» What if cars ran on spit? (one answer: pot smokers would be stranded!)
» Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES’. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS! I guess that makes me an APPALACHIAN-AMERICAN! : )
» 6 truths of life. 1. You can't touch all of your teeth w/ your tongue 2. All retards, after reading the first, truth will try it 3. And discover that the first truth is a lie 4. You're smiling now cuz you're a retard 5. You soon will copy & past this for your other retarded friends 6. There's still a smile on your face.
» I'm unique. Just like everyone else.
» yup. still... same as it ever was. same as it ever was. yup.
» ¯\(⊙_◕)/¯ FIX-O-DENT N FORGET IT!!!
» ♫ ♪ It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. ♫ ♪ It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.♫ ♪
» I wonder if I got electrocuted by lightning, would I be able turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4!
» I wish I could enjoy SLEEP and Facebooking @ the same time!!!
» My freckles are spectacular!!!
» You’ve got to love the Irish… ...An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” ...The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
» lives in the patron state of shootin' stuff! (Tennessee)
» what I want for Christmas: a radio with a sports car wrapped around it!
» when everything's coming your way... you're in the wrong lane!
» when I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
» is on a quest for just the right status update... ...O screw it, I have a headache.
» Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.
» Stupid joke of the day: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work? ...I-Hop
» if you read this, then I'm pleased to have your attention for 3 (maybe 4) seconds.
» Wouldn't "pokes" be more fun if you had to guess who "poked" you?
» really hates children... when they won't let her sleep! AAAAARRRGGGG!!!
» Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
» Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
» "I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? ...Toothpicks?"
» I used to think I needed to work on being more consistent. But, then I realized "only truly consistent people are dead."
» HURRY FAST!!! This status is about to go!
» 100 % of me is HUMAN (I'm pretty sure), 100% of me is WOMAN (I'm positive!!! ... at least if I am truly ALL human), I'm 100% Mom, 100% Daughter.... so, I am at least 400%!
» "Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets." -what does 40% of a cat or dog person look like?
» I started something a while back... I put it aside until I had more time to actually sit down and work on it efficiently....
» OH Lord! I crack myself up sometimes! :D
» HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS CYCLE???????????????? DO I GET OUT OF THIS CYCLE??????? I GET OUT OF THIS CYCLE??????? GET OUT OF THIS CYCLE???????????????? OUT OF THIS CYCLE?????? OF THIS CYCLE?????????????????? THIS CYCLE?????????? CYCLE???
» DAMMIT! I want my status back! If you have seen it, please send it back to me! I think it went thatta way ------>
» Instead of a "Dislike" button, I think there should be a "cross-eyed face" emoticon button!
» Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong!
» Nitrous Oxide is a WONDERFUL gas!!! :)
» Guys: How do you know who loves you more, your Wife or your Dog? Answer: You lock 'em both in the trunk of your car. Come back in 3 hours and see which one is happy to see you!!! :D
» ♥♡٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶♡♥
» A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"
» one of those days... when I just can't find the right rock!
» ٩(◕ ‿ ◕̃)۶ Thank God for the up part of mood swings!
» ^√v^√♥√v^√v^√♥√v^√v^√♥√v^√v THUMP-THUMP THUMP-THUMP THUMP-THUMP
» Zero is 1/2 of eight.
» Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
» I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
» I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
» there's nothing like the smell of WET DOG and BURNT FISH STICKS! ...Unless, of course, the dog has gas!
» this iritates me: when I go to put away my cell phone (either in my pocket or purse) and a little voice calls out to me, "Please say a command." ...."SHUT UP!" ...."Did you say call Yim-ka?" (for YMCA) ...."No! I said 'SHUT UP!'"
» Eat mor chikin!
» NA Na Na Na- Na Na Na Na- Na Na Na Na BATMAN!
» Sometimes people really piss me off!
» I am ME, I am MYSELF, I am I!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't like it, no matter to me... cause I like ME! I like MYSELF! I like I!
» If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
» I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
» If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
» Frikkin' mood swings suck rotten eggs mixed in relish and pineapple chunks!
» This may come as a surprise to you, I do not stay on FB all the time! (It's a surprise to me.)
» Hey you! Is there anybody out there?
» I'm not really here! :Þ
» ♪ ♫ Batman Smells! ♪ ♫ ♪ Robin laid an egg! ♫ ♪
» Potential to go either way...
» Thou shalt not speed through parking lots!
» I don't think it's a good idea to let your dog eat Mexican food and Martha Stewart suggests you create a "whimsical wreath with gumdrops"!
» Martha Stewart tells us: "ornaments add unexpected sparkle to the table." How the heck do ornaments unexpectedly sparkle??? Do they all of a sudden start twirling around like disco balls on table tops? Can you picture it? Little disco balls on table tops? Can you picture it? Little disco balls with legs... ......And, I still think it's a very bad idea to let your dog eat Mexican! :)
» Time to acquire more aluminum foil! My "hats" have all worn out!!!
» Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
» What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney? ........"Santaclaustrophobia"!
» !ǝpısuʍop-Up
» New Year's Resolution: I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
» I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool." As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey..., I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?" -- Judi Moore
» New Year's Resolution: I will not sit at the computer all the time. I will try to stand while I type for at least thirty minutes a day.
» How do I change the language setting on these Wii games from "Speaking in Tongues" to ENGLISH??????
» I think I will before I actually do.
» Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ is having fun ♥♡♥♡♥ copy & pasting! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶
» get the machine that goes "BING!".
» ★·.·´٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶`·.·★
» My therapist told me making a New Year's resolution to quit smoking was NOT a good choice for me right now!
» Anyone wanna rent (or lease) a 12 year old girl for a few years???
» The pheonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
» Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
» Do the air bubbles created when you fart in water smell when they pop?
» Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
» Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
» Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
» If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
» If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
» I removed my earlier post because I don't want to argue today! Maybe tomorrow I will feel more like it, maybe next Thursday, who knows. I just don't want to start anything today! Thank you for your understanding. Peace out!
» When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
» If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
» What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
» Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
» Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
» Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
» Who decided to make Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia the word for 'Fear of long words'???
» goodbye cruel world... (I'll be back later)
» An escalator takes you up↑... why isn't the other side, the side that takes you down↓, called a descalator?
» Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
» Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, if you can't drink and drive. And, why do bars have parking lots?
» Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
» What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
» Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
» Does a pet bird wonder why his owner is just sitting there, staring at carpeting, when he sees him reading the newspaper?
» ♪♫•*¨*•Tra La Lala la la, la lala lala!•*¨*•♫♪
» it just dawned on me... Smurfette was the only female smurf! SLUT!!!
» ⋆✩⋆✯⋆✰Twinkle twinkle I'm a star!✰⋆✯⋆✩⋆
» Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it back down to give the vacuum one more chance???
» Why does my bank charge me a fee for 'insufficient funds' when they already know there's not enough money in my account?
» Too bad... some people really miss out on the good in life when they're too serious much of the time.
» Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
» If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
» Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on you try first?
» Pinch your nose and try to hum!
» Working today. Leave me alone!!! ᴴᴬ ᴴᴬ ᴴᴬ ᴴᴬ ᴴᴬ ᴴᴬ
» I don't understand... why 2K10? It lಠಠks cಠಠl, but it's the same amount of digits as 2010!
» "Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, GOOSE!" ►►►►►►►►►►►►►►►►►►►►
» LOOK IT'S BOB!
☻/ This is Bob, copy paste him on
/▌ every update you see so he can
/ \ take over Facebook. You've been Bobbed.
» has been COW TIPPIN' and JUMPIN' BRIDGES!
» I karate chopped my science teacher in your bathroom because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
» Poppin' bubble wrap is cheaper than therapy! Unfortunately, I need more than both!!!
» Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
» WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Press 1 for English. Press 2 to disconnect until you learn to speak English. And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, JESUS CHRIST. And the AMERICAN SOLDIER. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom. If you agree... copy and paste in your status....I did!!!!!
» For all those MEN out there who say, "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" ...Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. "Why?" you ask... because women realize it's not worth buying the entire pig just to get a little sausage!!!!!
» wonders if it is possible to develop a tolerance to the effects of COFFEE!!! ???????????
» The United States of America is the only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment - yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations. 99% of people won't have the guts to copy and repost this
» Life isn't fair, but it's still good! Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ
» Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater, give her sperm she will make a baby, give her a house she will give you a home, give her groceries she will give you a meal, give her a smile she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh-t... Pass it along if you agree.
» Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. ☼Today IS special!☼
» When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh no, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you!"
» When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
» Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem!?!?!?
» Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
» Does anyone know where the heck I put my car keys??????????????
» Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
» Dear Lord, This past year (2009) you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just wanted to let you know that my favorite president is Obama. Amen.
» The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything its too late for you to stop reading it!
» By the time you read this you've already read it.
» We could all take a lesson from crayons: Some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors;but they learned to live in the same box.
» ⋆✩⋆✯⋆✰SuperStar✰⋆✯⋆✩⋆
» Keep this going!!! What was the #1 song of the day you were born? Look it up @ bobborst.com, then copy & paste this to your profile. AND MY SONG WAS: Simon and Garfunkel ~ Bridge Over Troubled Water ˚͜˚
» Go to "Urbandictionary.com" and put your first name in the search. Then copy and paste the FIRST entry. No cheating.
» “Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”
» What's the difference between a roast beef dinner, and pea soup? ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF!
» Wh* th* H*LL d*n't m* D*MN V*W*LS SH*W *P????
» I wish my fish would quit staring at me everytime I walk past the tank! I feed the fatsos twice a day! I guess it's better they're staring at me instead of floating!
» An elephant met a naked man and said "Can you breath thro' that?"
» If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.
» FACEBOOK GAME ...here's the deal- IF you like me you have to click "LIKE" to this status.. real friends will click they like you, those who dont care so much wont....SOOO here's the moment of truth....Copy and paste this to your status...I guarantee not all of your friends will "like" you...can u beat 10??
» Although I L♥VE all of you, it has been recommended to me, that I cut most of you out of my will. ***EVIL LAUGHTER GROWS LOUDER AND LOUDER FROM YOUR COMPUTER'S SPEAKERS***
» I like to type "GR8TED" cheese.
» Please paste this if you know someone who has been eaten by kittens. My wish is that people will understand that being trampled to death by penguins and eaten by kittens is not something to be ashamed of. Penguins and Kittens are cute , but are devastatingly dangerous and should be stamped out.
» （^ ^）（´⌒`）Have you hugged a Beautiful, Fun, Amazing Bi Polar Friend yet today???
» Mean people SUCK! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐ ...Especially the mean people who pass their meanness onto their kids!
» I keep forgetting Tuesdays.
» Why do phrases that describe when one is "bustin' another's chops" sound so sexual??? Like "teasing", "givin' a hard time", "ribbin' ya", "yankin' your chain"... WHY? WHY? WHY? Curious mind[s] want to know! :P
» Put ♥ this ♥ on ♥ your ♥ status ♥ if ♥ you ♥ know ♥ someone ♥ who ♥ deserves ♥ a ♥ smack ♥ in ♥ the ♥ face ♥ with ♥ a ♥ shovel ;-)
» I wanna use someone else's status.
» ><))) º>Fishie fishie fishy fish<º))))><
» Did u know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack 'em in the head.
» What if you guys posted status updates like what we ladies were doing with our bra color? You could post how much snow there was during your last snowstorm. Ya know, like "8 inches", '3 inches" etc...
» my friends status said " suicidal and standing on a cliff " So I Poked Him.
» is thinking that Facebook must be female. Just when you think you've figured her all out, she changes.
» ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” ~Gertrude Stein (put any famous person's name there)
» Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
» scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal my latest status.
» just finished installing child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids try and get out of there! ˚͜˚
» "A clean house is the sign of a broken computer."
» my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
» Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh.
» I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad.
» ﭑ₰ ℓϱ∂ɤϞﭑϞ9 ∂ Ϟϱω ƒoϞϯ
» You'd think with all of these inane changes, FB would at least create "Dislike" and "Love" (or "♡") buttons, too!
» I hate it when I accidentally ___________________.
» I was gonna copy someone else's status, but I forgot what it is and now, I can't find it on my home page. (ಥ_ಥ)
» I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal my computer!
» Google "Where is Chuck Norris" and click "I'm Feeling Lucky".
» click "Ctrl W" to see something amazing!
» I don't care what you say, I "Like" my status anyway! :P
» I have thought of the dumbest thing to put in my status, but I'm not gonna!
» Boy George is my best friend.
» I'm apologize... My pet monkey got away from me and colored on your wall! ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((> ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((> ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
» Although I have but one life to live... all my children will probably be young & restless because I've struggled so much with the guiding light, at least they will be bold and beautiful!
» You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.
» I is up. bUT, my brian is NOT fooly funktional yet!
» needs Mr. Clean to come and work for her!
» At my funeral, I want people to still be laughing at how it all happened.
» is very proud of herself! It has been several months since she dropped her last cell phone in the toilet!
» If the medical profession really wanted to be dicks, they would add a new letter to ADHD every year.
» Speaking of vampires, today I'm going to start every sentence with “speaking of vampires...”
» How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
» Why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
» Some people are like SLINKIES - not really good for anything, but they BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE when PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
» God made butt cracks go up and down and not side to side, so when we would go down a slide it doesn't sound like this...blubflubblibblubflib!
» ❤❤¸.•*¨*•☆Put ♥ this ♥ on ♥ your ♥ status ♥ if ♥ you ♥ have ♥ the ♥ most ♥ beautiful ♥ DAUGHTER(S) ♥ in the ♥ world☆•*¨*•.¸¸❤❤¸.•*¨*•☆☆•*¨*•.¸¸❤❤
» I can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before I discovered Facebook.
» Give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.
» Did you know? They've been lying to us the whole time...??????
» Ha! I told you I could spend a whole day without going on facebook. Oh crap!
» When life gives you lemons, make grape juice and let the world wonder how you did it.
» Crazy people are exhausting... and, I'm very exhausted!
» They're coming to take me away HA HA, they're coming to take me away HO HO, They're coming to take me away HA HA HO HO!!! ...OH, they're here...
» has♥the♥GREATEST♥DADDY♥in♥the♥WHOLE♥WIDE♥WORLD!♥
» Oxymoron = Anarchy Rules!
» Oxymoron??? - Chocolate ‘Nilla Wafers
» Go on Google and start typing "Why are me", STOP there and look at the suggestions Google gives you!
» OOO... OOO... PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK MY STATUS!!! ˚͜˚
» What day is it?
» Let me get a big "HELL YEAH!" from the red neck girls like me!
» Friends Are Like Potatoes...If You Eat Them They Die.
» #1 sign that you are turning into your parents: When someone shows you their new Nikes, you press the toe to see if there is enough room.
» My imaginary friends keep leaving me out. :'(
» This cold weather really interferes with my flagpole licking.
» The voices in her head keep calling her... but as soon as she puts one on hold, another calls!!! Between the voices and the ringing, she's going bonkers today.
» wonders what childless IDIOT invented glitter?
» ...just balanced my check book, and discovered that I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something or pay a bill. ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶
» OKAY! WHO is Anonymous? And, HOW did they get MY phone Number???
» I'm hiding my status from you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, but not you, and not you....
» I'm telepathically cleaning my house! So if you're really nice to me, maybe I'll "think" about cleaning yours too!
» This content is currently unavailableThe page you requested cannot be displayed right now. It may be temporarily unavailable, the link you clicked on may have expired, or you may not have permission to view this page. Return home
» is tired of being closed up. Help lighten her mood, insert joke, funny comment, or sarcastic remark here: _____________________________. Thank you!
» ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((> ______ I'm drawin' a blank here....
» I have learned a new solution for when I'm feeling down, whistle.... It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
» !ih si syas ti lla, syas siht tahw tuo erugif uoy nehw taht gnitatirri yrev ti dnif yam uoy
» The best business idea in 2010.... FaceBook rehab centers throughout country.
» My left mind is pretty crowded at the moment.
» I'm so happy!!! The doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
» ¿ɹǝʌo ʇı dılɟ ʇsnɾ ǝʍ ʇ,uop ʎɥʍ uǝɥʇ ǝpıs ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ uo ɹǝuǝǝɹƃ sʎɐʍlɐ sı ssɐɹƃ ǝɥʇ ɟı
» How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?
» Last night, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn’t want my arms to get cold!
» never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
» I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
» ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶
» Before therapy, I was a raging asshole... But, I'm comfortable with that now.
» Hey! Wasn't it an hour earlier yesterday? (Daylight Savings)
» I'm going cRaZy, I tell ya!!! ...........I tell ya, I'm going cRaZy!!!
» I just heard on the news that there is a crazy naked person driving down the highway... then I realized they were wrong... I'm not crazy!
» ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ Show some LOVE! ♥ Please "sign" below! ♥
» It's Daughter Week !!! ♥ If you have one daughter or more, who makes your life interesting and fun, is a blessing in your life, and makes life worth living, copy and paste this to your status. ♥ The world would not be the same without our beautiful daughters.
» Mi nombre es Iñigo Montoya. Tú mataste a mi padre, prepárate para morir.
» HI!
» is tied up at the moment. ...Seriously, someone PLEASE help me untie all these knots!!!
» I bet that in prison, everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated".
» My friend's 7-year-old keeps announcing whatever it is he's about to do. I had to break the news to him that only grownups on social media networks get to do that.
» Dear men who are smart and hot and awesome and madly in love with me: Please start existing.
» keeps a fake journal claiming she's done monumental stuff, so if she ever develops amnesia, she's gonna think she's freakin' AWESOME!
» (subliminal message) ... !001$ lliJ dnes...dneirf ruoy si lliJ...001$ lliJ dnes...001$ lliJ dneS. (=
» is Facebook is the only place where its acceptable to talk to a wall?
» Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi.
» Just got a fb message pop up telling me that "something went wrong, please try again later." ...I was just reading someone's status! How the heck can something go wrong with that??? WHAT!!! Was I not reading it correctly?
» I'm glad I have a Toyota. Now if I get pulled over I can blame the accelerator! :D
» Some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.
» How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
» Going out of my mind now, be back later (maybe)!
» 's brain isn't working very well this morning.... probably gonna recycle a few status updates later if I can't get up and running.
» is very receptive to compliments!
» Did you know that "Go Hang A Salami" is "I'm A Lasagna Hog" backwards?
» Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Just pee on it and walk away.
» ¡ⓢⓔⓛⓑⓑⓤⓑ pɹɐʍʞɔɐq ƃuıʍolq uʍop ǝpısdn sı
» Gonna see how long I can ignore facebook today! :)
» It's so great being so blessed in so many ways! ˚͜˚
» A Blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing ‘That’s horrible!’ Confused, he says, ‘Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved.’ After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, ‘How many is a Brazilian?’
» I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won’t wish the wish you wish to wish.
» Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See’s saw Before See sawed Soar’s seesaw, See’s saw would not have sawed Soar’s seesaw. So See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
» I've got "DING DONG, the witch is dead, the Wicked Witch is dead..." stuck in my head!!! LOL
» has a problem with premature turnsignalization!(It ANNOYS her!)
» ___________________ is on my my mind today.
» is vertically challenged this morning.
» Years ago, I came into this world naked & screaming! Now things have changed... when I’m naked, somebody else does the screaming!
» Oh my gosh! I gotta make a left turn in Albuquerque, I must stay in the passing lane all the way through Nashville!!!
» After Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF!
» hates housework. You dust, you wash the dishes, you do the laundry and six months later you have to do it all over again.
» You have ten fish, five of them drown, three come back to life. How many fish do you have? (10, fish don't drown stupid!)
» is the kind of girl who will burst out laughing at something that totally happened last week! :D
» OOh e OOh AH AH, ting tang walla walla bing bang... OOh e OOh AH AH, ting tang walla bing bang!!! good luck trying to get that out of your head!!!
» sorry status update no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error, please try agan.
» would find it amusing if fruit screamed when you ate it! ♥
» WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!
» Среќен Вторник Април шестата, две илјади и десет!
» got up, got dressed ...still cant figure out why?
» Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
» My short term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short term memory is not as sharp as it used to be...
» knows somethin' you don't know! :p
» palms on the ground, toes in the clouds... arms in the clouds, feet on the ground... palms on the ground, toes in the clouds... arms in the clouds, feet on the ground... ...head in the clouds, feet on the ground!
» it would be cool if your pets could talk except when you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
» :a cynical optimist. I expect the best; I’m just never surprised when I don’t find it.
» 401-Keg Investment:(PUT IN 1ST COMMENT)If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00!!! Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
» Help my status, fill in the blank: __________________________________________
» I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren't home. So from now on, I'M AT HOME. WITH A SHOTGUN. AND A HUNGRY CROCODILE. ......And, waiting on the mailman to bring all of those envelopes with $1 in 'em! :p
» Can you help lol? ...The little guy appears to be drowning!
» appreciates facebook birthday reminders.
» WARNING! Facebook will automatically scan your brain through your monitor. To block, go to Kitchen Cabinets, then remove box that says, "Aluminum Foil." Wrap foil around your head, stay calm & breath through your left nostril. This is serious & has been confirmed by CNN, Fox, & my cousin's girlfriend's neighbor's aunt and her pet poodle. Please copy and paste as your status and SAVE all your Friends!
» read somewhere that Monday is the most productive day of the work/school week. Today I will be doing my part to reduce this ugly statistic.
» You can never thaw a frozen computer screen with a blow dryer.
» LOOK!!! I gotta a BIG head! ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠
» :p"" THHHHBBBBBBBBBBBB!!! (Crap! Now my computer screen is all wet with spit!)
» has ordered a home delivery from KFC and Denny's simultaneously, so she can see which comes first, the chicken or the eggs.
» is stalking her own fb profile...
» I'm quitting facebook and joining youtwitface.com!
» wishes everyone a Happy Earth Day (as if we had another planetary option).
» Facebook...the website created by and designed for social phobics. (Thanks Steve!)
» Dear Earth, I hope you enjoyed your DAY. Sincerely, Uranus (post the day after Earth Day- April 22nd)
» I don’t mind dust bunnies because … they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
JillyBean ˚͜˚ Murphy♥
(V)
(. .)
c(”)(”)
» I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest...nor have a perfect body...I might not be the first choice...but I am a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone else...because I am too good at being me...I might not be proud of some of the things I've done...but I am proud of who I am today. Take me as I am...or watch me as I go... Post this as your status if you love and live your life being you...
» thinks that Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction. (from MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
» Realized when I wear my iPod earbuds, people in public don't bother me. Having a pair surgically implanted next week.
» This year I'm going to celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I'm going to invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, we'll have an enormous feast, and then I will kill them and take their land.
» thinks some folks are like slinkies, good for nothing but funny as hell when you push them down a flight of stairs.
» has spent yet another day successfully converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.
» Sometimes words can't express what a shotgun can.
» I'm very lucky to have Facebook friends who put statuses about the weather, because my house doesn't have any windows.
» If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
» If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
» Why do we have hot water heaters when hot water doesn't need to be heated?
» Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? -Because one in the bush is worth 2 in the bra.
» If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
» The battle between the giant soft drink manufacturers is over: Pepsi One® Coke Zero®
» my boyfriend told me he wanted me to be more like her ex... so I dumped her...
» I don't need beer to be happy! Wine, vodka, and whiskey work as well.
» What did the banana say to the vibrator? "I don 't know what you're shaking for, she's going to eat me."
» "They sent my Census form back! AGAIN! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer." (Nick Saites)
» Enough laziness. Tomorrow I'm going to do something that matters. Like build a fort and spend the day in there with my laptop.
» Was that lightning outside, or did I just fall on my face again?
» "Username or Password incorrect." TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH!
» ALERT!!! ALERT!!! Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Coke and ice will ruin your teeth. Apparently ice is lethal!!!
~ Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!! ~
Copy & paste this immediately, it can save a life
» Since it's the thought that counts I'll just keep on thinking about doing exercise.
» I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.
» The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. It's probably the one time in his life he wishes she'd asked for tampons. (Andrew El Conquistador Horton)
» Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you!
» Don't underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers
» I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
» My car is probably the most expensive bird toilet!
» You may think I'm crazy, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."
» It's all shits & giggles until someone giggles & shits. Then it's mass hysteria!
» I bet the "YMCA" dance is harder to do in different languages.
» Seems my bladder still thinks its hilarious to wait until I'm comfortable in bed before voicing it's need to pee. odd isn't it?
» You laid on my naked body & applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. You drove me near crazy while you drained me. Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore last nights events. My body still bears marks of your ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you! Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you, YA' Fuckin MOSQUITO...!!
» When making eye contact with a woman through the gap of a toilet stall, try to avoid being creepy.
» When you're asked during an interview what you expect from this job, respond with, "Hopefully, not too many stupid questions like that one."
» Today the government announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
» Six Truths in Life
1 . You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck .
2 . All idiots, after reading #1 will try it .
3 . And discover #1 is a lie .
4 . You are smiling now because you are an idiot .
5 . You soon will Share this with another idiot .
6 . There is still a stupid smile on your face . I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company :)JUST HAD TO SHARE THIS
» Greg Rollins
For all those people who voted for Obama in 2008 to prove that you are not a racist, Just who are you going to vote for in 2012 to prove that you are not an idiot?
» Rolex watch: $10,000. Meat cleaver: $7. Related: I now own a Rolex watch.
» Is it just me... or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing???
» No officer I'm not a chronic speeder...I'm just always late!
» Trying to cartwheel up the stairs...it's not working out so well.
» Re-post this if there is someone that is still alive because you don't want to go to jail
» Teach a man how to fish , and through hard work and perseverance,he could eat for a lifetime.
But teach a man how to use the internet so he can order fish online,and he'll probably end up watching porn...
» When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me...
After a while , my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon,Mike . You're not a Jedi.!!"
» There are three sizes of condoms: Small Medium... Liar.
» The TV said if I choose Jif Peanut Butter, I'm not just making a sandwich; I'm showing that I LOVE my kids! Oh how I have failed them all these years with the other brand! ~Rich Mullinax
» I transferred a phone salesman to Helen Wait today... Hmmmmm...wonder how long he waited?
» got my passport application forms back today. Apparently in the Place of Birth section: 'between my mother's legs' isn't an acceptable answer.
» tip to reduce weight:
first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
» I'm still traumatized from the time when I was ten and my Aunt Martha took a shit at our house and forgot to flush the toilet.
» Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
» In real life, I tell people to shut the hell up. On Facebook, I just delete their comment.
» Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
» "Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns."
» It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.
» Clarence Huffman
Never do stupid stuff..alone..Its more fun with friends........
» I would never drink on the job just because the fact is I don't have a job.
» Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumbass put my cape on backwards.”
» I want to wish a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to all 19 people over there ------>
(Bryan Schizo Hoskins)
» "Wished that all of life's decisions were as simple as going to Denny's when you're s***faced." ~Andrew El Conquistador Horton
» "I watched my FIRST porno the other day. I can't believe how much younger I looked back then." ~Jeff Rupp
» I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
» How long does it take an Octopus to do the Hokey-Pokey.??
» My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch." ~Doug Daly
» "A bird in the hand, makes it hard to masturbate"
» No one is perfect… that’s why pencils have erasers.
» The hairdo I wake up with every morning woulda kicked ass in the 80's
» I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket".
» If you are reading this status..step one of my evil plan is complete..muah ha ha!!!
» Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
» ya know...it's all shits and giggles til somebody giggles and shits:=)
» SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
» Daughter: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Mom: The stork, dear.
D: Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?
M: The police, dear.
D: Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?
M: The fire department, dear.
D: Mommy, where does food come from?
M: Farmers, dear.
D: Mommy?
M: Yes, dear ?
D: What do we need Daddy for?
» The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy. So Happy got up and left.
» It's kinda sad that 98% of the population can only correctly use a semicolon if they're trying to digitally wink at somebody. Jeff Rupp
» Whenever I read a boring status update, I like to silently add "in bed" to the end of it and read it again. Then I laugh and laugh and marvel at my creativity.
» Ahem....I'm just not feeling myself today...anyone else wanna give it a go.;)
» People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
» Never delete facebook friends in a fury of anger. Use the restricted list instead. That way you can still stalk them, but they don't get the pleasure of seeing anything interesting on your page. Or, so I've heard.
» If you must choose between 2 evils, pick the one you haven't tried yet....
» Karma is only a bitch if you are.....jus sayin'.
» It's quite possible that some of my best mistakes haven't happened yet...
» Hey kids. Don't take candy from strangers... except on October 31st... in a costume.
» In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
» spanked myself twice before I left the house today, so if you see me being bad, chill out.. I've dealt with it.
» Now that the population is 7 Billion, the next time someone compliments you by telling you that you are "one in a million", remember there are 7000 others just like you.
» Saddam Hussein ███████████████ 100% Complete.
Osama Bin Laden ███████████████ 100% Complete.
Justin Bieber █████████▒▒▒▒▒
» How to get a man to do something:
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:
Make sure the man is conscious.
Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.
Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
» A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized. The laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears, behaves gracefully in all situations and all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you, too, suspect that you might be a man.
» If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, do girls with one leg work at IHOP?
» My new memory foam pillow doesn't work. It did not help my memory at all. My comforter still says nice things to me though.
» Do you ever wonder if a camel looks at its toe and thinks "Damn! I have vagina foot!"
» Only people with shitty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.
» Don't hold your farts in, they travel up your spine and into your brain and that's where shitty idea's come from!!
» Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
» 1. Copy these two lines :
@+[138558659573746:0]
@+[222330577814036:0]
2. Paste it as a comment.
3. Only delete the "+" signs not any other symbol or
number.
4. Enter.
» I think I'm confused,but I'm not sure...
» Dear alcohol,
We had a deal you would make me smarter, funnier, and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk
» I finally realized why my exes and I were incompatible. I'm a Pieces and they are all assholes.
» My next door neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 A.M., can you believe that?!? 2:30 A.M.!!! Lucky for him I was still up playing my tuba...
» Did you know a burp is nothing more than a smart fart that took the elevator??? Clarence Huffman
» If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
» My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
» These damn dust Bunny's are in serious need of birth control
» What did the letter O say to the letter Q? Your thing is showing, zip it up!!!
» While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.........
And then He made the earth round.
» I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
» Remember that time we ran out of vodka so we sent the ten-year-old to the corner store with a twenty-dollar bill and a permission slip? Yeah, me neither.
» Nobody notices what I do until I don't do it.
» As an alternative to dieting, simply refer to yourself as "value-sized"
» huked on fonics werked four me! naow i now who to speel and red guud!
» I have a Plan, all I need is duct tape, a 5 gallon bucket, a toilet plunger, 2 sticks of dynamite, a midget in a unicorn costume and the real Batman.......
» If a girl's wearing a nice bikini on the beach and a guy compliments her - that's fine.
But if a girl's wearing nice lingerie at 2.30am I can't phone up to compliment her while breathing heavily from a tree?
Ridiculous!!
» I've got a bunch of great stories for you guys once I get past that whole "statute of limitations" thing. (Jeff Rupp)
» FACT: When it's time to parallel park your car, the stereo gets turned the hell down b/c complete silence is needed...
» I'm thinking about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought and nearly died for my right to party...
» .... is sitting at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green. Been here for several minutes.
» Dear Raisin Bran: Two scoops my ass.
» I just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breath of fresh air, sipped my coffee, perfect morning! What could go wrong? crap! forgot to put pants on!
» ... the freaks come out at night ...but only on facebook do U get them 24/7..!! (Tatboy Holden)
» Some people you just have to let go of, like a balloon.. and hope that they will hit a tree and pop.
» The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.
» Sorry, I can't today ... My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's cousin's uncle's fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
» It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.
» There's an urban legend that goes: If you say "Bloody Mary" 13 times in front of a mirror, a vengeful spirit will appear. The same is true if you say it 13 times to a bartender.
» Thought Tony the Tiger done shit in my Frosted Flakes.....,turns out i was eating Raisin Bran! :)
» If money can't buy happiness....then I say pizza, booze and drugs should be free!!!
» Reverse psychology only works for people with Dyslexia...
» My scence of humor isn't twisted, it's just strategically bent in several places.
» just spotted a can of "whoopass" that rolled under the bed. I'll be needing that.
» Inside every fat person is a thin person crying to get out - but you can usually shut the bastard up with biscuits.
» We often spend so much of our money on buying clothes... but never realize that some of the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes!
» When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"
» Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
» Some people are the flowers in your garden of life. Others are the manure that makes your garden stronger
» Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 702 friends on Facebook.
» That awkward moment when you are standing around in your superhero costume waiting for crime to happen... (and, My costume is Power Ranger Underoos!!!! :p)
» Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine...
» Everyone.. stop what you are doing and think of only me for the next 3 seconds...ready...1...2...3...you're welcome for the best 3 seconds of your day... LOL!!!
» It's nice to occasionally see a guy talking to a pole, to reassure me- there are possibly people still out there crazier than I am.
» I’m beginning to suspect that my friends are only using me for my wizard powers.
» I'm getting on my own nerves, that's never a good sign...
» I wish I could take back every mistake I ever made so I could start surprising myself with new ones.
» I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week...!!!
» I'm not farting, it's just excess awesomeness leaving my body.
» I'm no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey's smile as saying, "I may or may not have eaten your parakeet."
» According to the Bible, Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. He had to have spent most of his adult life in line at Costco buying tampons in bulk.
» The new parent threat: "Stop doing that or I will take a picture and put it on Facebook for the world to see."
» The world would be a happier place, if we were all allowed to randomly doodle stuff on bald guys' heads.
» I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline"
» GESUNDHEIT! (just in case any of you just sneezed out there!)
» I finally used up a whole box of staples. It only took 7 years.
» I keep a butter knife in the bedroom to spread the love.
» Right now, I feel like the tennis ball that ended up on an old person's walker!
» I'm not very good at Words with Friends, but I'm a master at Awkward Silences with Strangers.
» I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; Things I'll never do!
» My imaginary friend told me i wasn't real.... o.O
» Not many people know this, but if you pry a giraffe's mouth open and look down its throat, you'll see the tallest stack of Pringles ever.
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